Oh is it a blessing? Or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever or is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
It's a stairway to heaven or a subway going down to the pits

It Just Won't Quit (Jim Steinman) Meatloaf, Back Into Hell II

There are some of us that consider being a vampire a blessing, a dark gift, the ultimate freedom. Then there are others who think of it as a curse- Cain's curse. Those are the ones eaten up by guilt, sometimes feeding from animals, sleeping mortals, or stealing from blood banks. For myself, and I suspect many others of our kind, I consider it both.

I don't think I would ever go back to being a mortal, even if it were possible through Golconda. And, yet, I miss being able to watch the sun set, the warmth of the sun on my body... There are mortals who think that life (or unlife to be more precise) as a vampire must be wonderful. Drinking blood is a small price to pay for immortality, right? They can't begin to understand. Blood is not merely our food, our nourishment. Blood is our meat and drink, our ultimate drug, our source of life. Our hunger for blood is not the hunger for food, but closer to the cravings for alcohol for an alcoholic, drugs for the addict. And getting our "fix" is just as euphoric for us as for the addict. But there is nothing to compare with the taste, the sweetest, most exquisite sensation of another vampire's blood. I'm not talking about diablerie here, but a blood bond between vampires... taking some of theirs, giving some of yours... There is no other sensation like it. There is such intimacy as cannot be conceived.

Immortality. Is it a blessing to outlive those around you, those you love and care for? Even if it hasn't happened to me yet, I know some that it has. And Nicholas told me that I should never embrace for love. How will I feel when I see the band members around me grow older, especially Brad? It makes me think if nothing else... And yet, it it truly a curse to be able to see life from an eternal point of view, to see history unfold, to be able to perfect your art, to attempt to understand why we're here? And the world is so very different now. Smells have a color and a taste. Everything is so much more "real" now. Mortality seems flat.

A lot of us refer to mortals as "kine". I really hate the term. It's an archaic term for cattle. I prefer to think of them as donors. I try not to take much more than a blood bank would, and I provide "incentives" for them. Sort of a deal I made with myself early on. It kinda weird, though. I used to never think about tomorrow, live for today, never thinking about the consequences.... That's all changed now. I guessmaybe it's because I know I'll actually live to see the consequences of my actions.

Speaking of mortals.... There are some of us who pretty much only see them to feed. They cut themselves off from the mortal world, maybe even "died". Some of them were recluses to start with. They certainly are now. Others, like me, crave mortal society. Some of them would say I haven't given up my hold on mortality, but that's not it. I'm attached to them, in more ways than one. They inspire me, and, in fact, many of my clan continue to associate with mortals. When I get too old, I suppose I can recreate myself somewhere else, new identity and that.

While we're on the subject of mortals and feeding.... I'm sorta picky about who I feed from. For obvious reasons, I prefer young men, generally mid-twenties to mid-thirties. They're usually the ones that can best afford it, and the ones most likely to be receptive to me. I have one hard and fast rule, though. No kids. Sometimes it's hard to tell ages, but, if I'm not sure, I don't. Kids are a way for mortals to be immortal. And it's something that I'll never be able to be a part of.